I get really happy because people actually send me mail now.

I will become what I deserve. →

“But i wonder if he was trying to remember. i wonder if he was trying to believe. Some dream he used to dream. i wonder if he was trying to make a numb heart feel, trying to make a numb heart move. i wonder if he was sick of coping and settling and chasing cheap distractions. “

I’m fucking done.

No, I don’t mean that I’m committing suicide. For once, I can say that phrase without meaning “I’m gonna kill myself.” Today was supposed to be my set suicide date. I’m choosing something else instead. People have put me through shit. They’ve left me. They’ve talked behind my back. They’ve lost faith in me.

But I’ve had good friends. People that’ve stuck with me the whole way through. They were with me when I hit rock bottom. If they can stick with me through anything they are so worth keeping in my life. From now on, “I’m on a rollercoaster that only goes up.”

I’m choosing recovery. Today marks the date. 4242013. I am done being sad. I’m done letting my depression control my life. I’m done being taken over by mental breakdowns. I’m done starving myself. I’m done being fucking miserable. I’m done with my anxiety that won’t let me go out in public comfortably.

I’m done. I’m finally gonna get better. To anyone tracking these tags, I used to do that too when I was feeling low. I just want you to know that I am here to talk to you anytime you need it.  Tell me whatever you need, I would ship a care package to your house filled with candles and flowers if that’s what you need seriously. A lot of people out there have it worse than me. If they can keep on fighting, I can too.

I wish all of you luck with life!

Anonymous asked: Even though i don't know you in real life yet wishing i did, i know you're such a wonderful person that deserves everything beautiful that life has to offer! Stay strong dear, you'll make it through . I Promise <3

this means so much to me. you have perfect timing i swear. i don’t know. i appreciate your existence so much. thank you. :) <3

It’s okay to ask for help. :)

I know a lot of you have problems at home or high school drama to deal with. It can all get really overwhelming, so I just wanted to let you guys know that it’s always okay to ask for help. Here are some resources you can use if you feel that you are a risk to yourself or know someone who is:
1-800-273-8255 This is the suicide hotline.They’re very calm, and they have experienced counselors you can talk to. Some psychiatrists/psychologists volunteer there in their spare time!
1-800-784-2433 Suicide hopeline
CrisisChat.org
https://www.imalive.org/
1-877-968-8454 free counseling for teens
1-310-855-4673 LA county hotline
www.teenlineonline.org both immediate & delayed response
1-800-334-HELP self harm hotline
1-800-931-2237 NEDA’s eating disorder helpline
1-800-4ACHILD National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
1-866-4UTREVOR The Trevor Project (Suicide Prevention for LGBTQ Youth)
I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve used more than one of these resources. The people that you talk to are there for the sole purpose of helping you get through the struggle. They are trained professionals, and very easy to talk to. I know sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to tell your best friend. If you don’t want to reveal your identity, you can choose not to. There is an anonymous option for the two chatlines I posted, and I think you can choose to be anonymous for phone calls as well.

omg I didn’t even realize I was spamming with Andrew McMahon posts HAHA I’M SORRY. I lost 2 followers from it omg. HOW DO YOU EVEN GET ANNOYED BY ANDREW MCMAHON POSTS? eh oh well. LOL.

I’M SEEING ANDREW MCMAHON TONIGHT FOR THE SECOND TIME. I’M SO HAPPY I THINK I’M GONNA START CRYING OKAY BYE

Anonymous asked: when i found out you were being home schooled, i got so worried and wondered what was going on. then i saw you. and i don't know what to say exactly. Van, if you are strong enough to endure the pain you inflict upon yourself, then surely you have the strength to move on past this phase. I believe in you and I know you can do it. Realize that the power is in your hands, and yours alone.

aw thank you so much! :) ♥

Anonymous asked: You may say that I've never been in your position, that I don't know what it's like. And I suppose that's true. But it hurts me to see you this way. There are so many other ways of dealing with pain. Don't keep it all in, Van, and remember that there's always a brighter side of life to look to. On a side note, I hope that you're liking home schooling so far! :) Stay strong. xx

thank youu. :) it was so sweet of you to send this!

365daysofjuday:

golden-sexmaster:

does anyone else ever get those sudden urges to clean out and reorganize your entire room at 3am

Van… ;]

omg LOL YES. it’s the manic episodes i swear. ):

(Source: raregoldenclitoris)

bipolarowl:

from gimmical

this totally happened. T____T. After I was in the hospital for a couple days, I went into a manic episode and they were like “why are you in here? you’re so happy there’s nothing wrong with you” you have no idea.

I need more recovery blogs to follow! If you’re a recovery blog of any kind, could you like this post please? :) Or if you could suggest some blogs that would be great too!

somebody spaz out with me. none of my friends know who john green is. I HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE MY EXCITEMENT WITH. omg i’m dying asjdklsajldkjaslk